The Emerging Self, Continued ...

It doesn’t make, or try to make, me something that I’m not, but it calls me forth, it helps me to emerge, to be more me, more who I am, 

 

I wrote, If I discover/uncover/realise who I AM, is that God in me? 

 

I preached AT ad nauseam with the zeal of the convert to my long suffering family and friends and anyone else who’d listen, and I read nothing but AT books! 

 

It was at around the time I’d had about twenty lessons I started to know that I wanted to teach, that I was in this for good, for good and for ever; but at that point the three-year full-time training seemed an impossible dream. I called the next chapter: ‘Further Up and Further In’, again inspired by CS. Lewis’s The Last Battle.  

It was only a shadow or a copy of the real Narnia which has always been here and always will be here. And of course it's different; as different as a real thing is from a shadow or as waking life is from a dream.’... It was the unicorn who summed up what everyone was feeling, ‘I belong here. This is the land I have been looking or all my life, though I never knew till now.’ 

 I felt like a seed, bursting and coming out into the scary daylight, or a caterpillar undergoing all the unfamiliar stages of change into butterfly. I learnt to do ‘nothing’ and to be still in the waiting, ‘pregnant’ plateaux times when nothing seemed to change and the euphoria calmed down too. I altered shape and size and grew up. I read a book by Walter Carrington. In the introduction it mentioned when he was born and I realised his ninetieth birthday was coming up. I decided to make him a birthday card, and sent it off with a letter thanking him for all the help the book had been to me. I was very surprised and delighted to receive a reply and an invitation to have a lesson with him! I made the expedition to London and had a wonderful meeting with him and he didn’t even charge me for the lesson, which turned out to be one of the last ones he gave before he died. I was so blessed. 


I wrote just before my journal ended; 

 

The ‘best’ bits so far? 

  • The whole terrifying, exciting journey. 
  • Clearing out so much clutter, and unearthing so many treasures in the process. 
  • Having so much fun. 
  • Coming out of a prison I didn’t know I was in. 
  • Finding more colours in the rainbow. 
  • Hearing the tune, not just the words. 
  • ‘Falling in love’, becoming a child again, and growing up. 

 

And the ‘worst’ bits?

  • Being an archetypal end-gainer! 
  • The plateaux. 
  • Feeling discouraged. 
  • Confronting all my insecurities (over and over again)!
  • Not knowing if I was going to fly or fall when I was in mid-air. . 

 

But the best and worst bits are only two sides of the same coin, really. Many things have made that longest of journeys from head to heart. I now know things I already knew, and I’m learning all the time. 

 

It’s the end of the beginning. 

 

All that I’ve written is just the tip of the iceberg - there's so more. 

 

I finished the journal with the words my lessons used to end with: That’s enough for today.